19.4.05
NEW POPE SAME AS THE OLD POPE BUT WITH HALF THE CALORIES.April 19, 2005 -- Vatican City -- In a shocking move from the Vatican, Ben Affleck has been selected as the new pope. White smoke rose from a Sistine Chapel chimney and bells rang today, signaling the selection of a new pope. Thousands of people in St. Peter's Square clapped and waved flags as the smoke billowed over Vatican City. Suspense built as the throng waited for the symbolic ringing of bells, at which point the crowd broke into a roar of jubilation.
In Los Angeles -- In other news, Clay Aiken will explain on Dr. Phil today how he was "bullied" in school by other kids because he liked musicals. (Editor's note: Clay - they didn't bully you because you liked musicals. They bullied you because you were a homosexual, a word they did not know the meaning of, and so they thought you were cheating in Scrabble.)
In related news, Ryan Seacrest, America's favorite closet case, got his star on Hollywood Blvd and celebrated late into the night dancing on tables. When inspected closer, Seacrest was actually go go dancing at Rage on Santa Monica Blvd., which is a little different than dancing on a table. His management did not return our phone calls.
From Washington DC-- And as we approach everyone's favorite holiday, "Earth Day" celebrated every year for some reason on April 20th, it was announced a little while ago by the White House that Enron Chairman Kenneth Lay will be the Secretary of Earth Day activities, overseeing all federally funded Earth Day celebrations.
4.4.05
Ha ha ha...this is fucked up. I have been signing my credit card with smiley faces for about six months now, I'm glad to know someone else out there feels the same.http://www.zug.com/pranks/credit/index5.html
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