Rumors: 06.2004

23.6.04

Rumor has it that the July 31st Key Club show will be Porter's last until September. Insiders (her girlfriend) states that due to extreme exhaustion and a desire to strangle everyone in sight at and around shows, that she will be taking time off from the DJ circuit. Of course, Porter and her people have been known to be completely full of shit, so check back soon for upcoming events in August, but be sure to get your tickets for the July 31st Key Club show with THE MUTAYTOR.

16.6.04

In Washington DC this week, recent polls online show that with the successful election of Arnold Schwarzanegger and President George Bush, more underqualified and uneducated Americans are now gaining hope for their own successful run at a political future.

At Abbey Road Studios in London, George Bush and Tony Blair are set to record their new duet album, a cover of the 70's hit song by Sonny and Cher, "I got you, Babe." Album sales will promote Bush's "Plan for a Moonbase by 2008" agenda, which he calls "a totally baseless but really cool idea", and his "Vote for Nadar in 2004" ad campaign that will run in what Bush refers to as "those frillly lily gay communities" and in those "ultra liberal, hairy armpitted, treehugging wimpy bookwormed feminist populations."

In Little Rock, more than a thousand people turned out for the world premiere of "The Hunting of the President," a film claiming to expose "the 10-year campaign to destroy Bill Clinton." The audience could be heard cheering and booing particular parts of the very intense and emotional documentary. President Bush commented on it as "the comedy of the year" while enjoying three buckets of extra buttered popcorn.

In business news, if you are looking for a job like me, (speaking of things found online) Glossy News (glossynews.com) reports that Monster.com, the largest recruiting and job placement service online, baselessly claims that jobs in the web/tech sector across the country as well as jobs with benefits are getting steadily easier to obtain. Further, they report that Unicorns are very real and that their numbers are making a strong recovery.

And in sports news this week, the Laker's "secret plan" to beat Detroit's defense by "winning", failed miserably as the Laker's lost worse than any other team in the history of basketball to the Detroit Pistons last night, as they faced defeat by more than 20,000 points at the end of the 4th quarter. That said, will everyone in Los Angeles PLEASE take those STUPID flags off their cars? Thanks.

And in Hollywood this week, Rappers Method and Red will get their own TV show where the two men will move into a super exclusive (and all white) community while viewers will be entertained by their crazy inner-city antics. Gee, I really liked that idea...20 years ago when it was called "The Fresh Prince" that is. I know! How about a show/movie about an older, experienced white cop that is assigned a cocky young black cop as his partner? What a good idea. Or how about a movie/show about a clumsy Chinese goofball karate expert who stumbles into a treasure guarded by 20 ninjas? Yeah, that's a good idea too.

Hollywood, you're really reaching.

3.6.04

Juuuuuuuuust in case anyone wanted to know things I found funny:

http://www.discountbabies.com/

lol...i can't stop laughing at this....

2.6.04

You know when you're in a total hurry, and your car is on empty?
Or when you're getting married, except the bride says "no" instead of "yes?"
Or when you're putting the last two pieces in to a puzzle and you realize you only have one piece in your hand?

Yeah, smoke coming out of a mixer with 15 minutes until the Key Club doors open for the biggest night of your life is sort of like that. Except much worse. You can get gasoline at a gas station. You can kill the bride right there on the spot. You can torch the puzzle with lighter fluid. But you can't make a Pioneer mixer work once it's BEEN FRIED with about 90,000 watts of electricity. You can however, electrocute your sound man and he WILL still work.

It was the biggest night of my life (don't want to speak for anyone else, but I'm pretty sure The Key Club show was up there on the scales for Wolfie and the Mutaytor too) and we had 15 minutes until the doors opened. Fifteen short minutes. Michael my trusty camera man had been with me all night, getting great happy exciting nervous me doing nervous "me" things, Wolfie was looking fab (as usual), the Mutaytors were getting all of the last minute things in place for the greatest show EVER...and then..."Dude, I think there's smoke coming out of your mixer."

Wolfie's mixer was senselessly killed by a drive by electrocution. Wolfie's mixer was dead. Long live Wolfie's mixer.

For me, the moment and all of its options were suspended in time -- I mean, shit, this was bad news. We had the option of me driving from Doheny to Los Feliz to get MY mixer, except it would have taken an hour and well, my mixer is about 4 years old, not very good and I wouldn't trust it to hold up under scrutiny, especially on a night of such monumental importance. So we had one option left. In slow motion, like it was a shot out of Resovoir Dogs, Wolfie (on his cell phone checking the hours at the local Guitar Center) gave me the nod and waved his hand to the east. I reached into my back pocket, looking for my trusty six shooter/Discover Card and I was off running to valet, where my horse/Nissan Xterra was waiting for me.

As I screeched out of the parking lot, heading down Sunset Blvd. toward the La Brea Guitar Center. Fortunately, a bus was in the process of rolling down Doheny and SMASHing into the store on the south side of Sunset right in front of the Key CLub, so I knew I could speed and get away with it. Upon coming to a screeching halt in front of the store, I jumped Dukes of Hazard style out of my SUV and headed into the store all blinged out, Discover Card first like I was out of the Flintstones or something. CHARRRRRGE! 1 minute until closing. 8 people in line and Porter Tinsley comes careening into the DJ/Pro Audio area of the store, right to the front of the line (pretty pretty princess?) and wailing "I need a Pioneer DJM 600 mixer five minutes ago!" (I'm SUCH a drama queen...)

The cashier (who had been helping someone else) looked at me, looked at my vinyl pants, my bling bling and my sparkly makeup and was deciding whether or not I was 1. a stripper or 2. a dj in desperate need of a mixer.
Thankfully, he decided I was the latter and the line of people parted like the Red Sea. We grabbed the box off the shelf and now there were two things that had been fried to point of smoking that night. Wolfie's mixer AND my Discover Card. heh heh heh.

I slammed the gas pedal back to The Key Club, bypassing at high speeds the cops on bikes on the Sunset Strip so fast there was no way to ticket me, screamed into valet, and running (in heels) down the ramp, past the security and into the Key Club. All of this done in six inch heels and skin tight vinyl pants. Sweet!

9:15pm. Music starts. Dancefloor fills up, tickets sell out. The MUTAYTOR blows the ROOF off the Key Club.

It's Miller Time.

THANK YOU to everyone that came out to make this show the best show EVER. The night turned 200 people away at the door (which sucks but I did say to get there early) and subsequently had the best after party I've ever been to featuring DJ Paynie (no, it's really what you think it is), two bottles of Jaigurmeister, a small group at Reverand Dave from The Serotonins' house, complete with The Original Booty Burgulars entire band generally passed out and scattered around the house and for some reason wearing full body armor. It was surreal in a "this is my reality" sort of way. The afterparty will long live in my memory as the best afterparty in the history of afterparties. Matty the Mutaytor would agree, even though he spent the sunrise asleep while Buck and Paynie took turns tea-bagging him and taking photos, and me, Jenn aka Hooperella, and Roo off'd a bottle of Jaiger. Ah good times, good times.

Stay tuned for next week's recap of what was HANDS DOWN the best mountain party I've EVER been to: REFLECTIONS. I have TONS of pics from that event courtesy of the best girl in the world Audra the Mutaytor, I'll be posting as well, so keep checking back on www.portertinsley.com for that.

To those of you that discouraged me from doing the mass gay wedding in Weho I have one thing to say: FUUUUCK YOUUUUU.

The event was FABULOUS and not at all tacky.

Download the event on www.sundancechannel.com