25.5.04
"Someone will pull over and help us," is what my 19 year old office intern said when I realized I had taken the wrong way on the 710 split in Long Beach on my way to Long Beach Pride.30 miles prior to that exact moment I said, "In about 15 miles, I really am gonna need gas since that gas station by Wolfie's was closed."
10 miles prior to THAT exact moment while leaving my apartment in Hollywood, I said, "We'll get gas at that gas station by Wolfie's when I stop by to get my headphones out of his shed."
10 a.m., Saturday -- The Long Beach Harbor Shipyard. Driving in my bright yellow Nissan Xterra with my VOTE FOR JOHN KERRY sticker on the back right next to my EQUALITY sticker. We were running on fumes in the worst part of town, late, and without hope of finding a gas station, let alone our way back to civilization.
"Don't worry -- someone will pull over and help us," said Josh.
My democratic, equality-preaching ass (all dyked out for DJing pride) thought that for some reason, getting stranded in the middle of the Long Beach shipyard with a lanky feminine 19 year old gay male who was wearing more make up than I was, wouldn't warrant the type of "help" we needed.
But as luck would have it, 76 saved the day at FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS A GALLON and we made it to Long Beach Pride unscathed. Unscathed by as the day went on, it seemed that kareoke was the winner over the turntables, so I didn't have much to do. Thank god the beautiful, wonderful and amazing Audra and Charis (from the Mutaytor) showed up with hoola hoops, and a smile. I swear, no matter where Charis goes, he leaves a trail of destruction in his path, as men were falling over themselves after he walked by....
A few general words about the Pride festival:
1. Pink fishnet shirts and leather pants NEVER go together. Not even if you're Devo.
2. "My Heart Will Go On" is ALWAYS kareoke'd by those in that same outfit.
3. Kareoke is the WORST form of entertainment. The undateable masses always converge to try to out do each other in the kareoke contests.
4. There is a girl walking around that looks *JUST* like my ex girlfriend who cheated on me (plus 40 pounds give or take a twinkie. Outstanding.)
5. Walking around in bikini underwear and wrestling shoes with nothing else on is NOT a good way to find a date. Even at Pride.
I have more stories, feel free to ask me about them sometime at a party.
Speaking of parties, the PARTY OF ALL PARTIES IS THIS FRIDAY!!!
If you come to ONE show this summer, make it this one! A whole new show, a whole new Porter, and of course, the fabulous Wolfie, who in my eyes, has the best ass, and I don't care WHAT those people at Paynie's said this weekend at the Bouncy Bouncy Fundraiser. Wolfie, you're ass is #1 in my eyes.
17.5.04
The story of Porter (Queenie Quirkleberry Gnome) and Dave (Wilmur Willow Gnome.)By Dave Carlson.
just before she flew around the corner, i was thinking it was the perfect day. the sun was shining, and we'd been off rolling in the mormon fields of gold. shortly thereafter she was rolling off of the girl with locks of gold, the girl getting acquainted with the lesbian she'd never known she was basking in the glow of the DJ working her MDMA-riddled body like a stenographer, fingers flying and braids bouncing. but ultimately it comes down to this: if the buoy/boi/booie hadn't decided to go and seize the day, our paths would never have crossed. maybe years down the line at some obscure house party i would have admired her from afar, but at this particular party she brought me pizza and a big fucking attitude. my sloppy ex-boyfriend couldn't handle all the estrosterone in the air and immediately decided that the girl with the sexterra was evil. meanwhile, the only evil presence was the parkinson’s-riddled hole lurking in her furry boudoir. i soaked up Porter Tinsley like a hungry sponge creature, pushing my golden-headed friend in her direction because i thought it might be exactly what she needed after boy after boy sapped her glow and left her further from herself. it turns out that sometimes a "heterosexual" is, indeed, a "heterosexual"...even in the midst of gay icons. after a brief vacation from reality, the two of them locked themselves in a room and ate each other's hearts out like hungry pigs. meanwhile, i was trying to dig my heart out of my stomach so i could slam it down my little angel's throat for planning a little barebacking getaway while i recovered from removing a few layers of my eyes.
in the midst of all this, two shards of two hearts met for coffee. then dinner. then the two gay hearts, like liquid metal glumping back together into governor schwarzenegger, glumped together, eventually melding into two new individuals. unbreakable, dangerous individuals. gnomes.
the gnomes tore through the countryside. they tore through the peasants, the royalty, until [eventually] they found themselves on top of the world with frank sinatra and naked queens flapping wildly on their way down to the pool. naked though they were, there was something impenetrable, so to speak, about these gnomes. like madge at kabbalah, they sat and they smirked and waited, until eventually--one way or another--it all came to them.
after much toil and heartbreak, quirkleberry gnome found her star rising higher than trish did on speed or crank and CRACK. the gnomes found themselves on opposite sides of the city. trapped in sticky webs of mindblowing sex and occupational commitments, they found themselves grappling for one another during the gnome hour. will these gnomes reunite? it is said that yes, the gnomes shall return to their thrones once again. but when?
13.5.04
So....um..that's how someone looks when they get their heads cut off.*deep breath*
I just finished watching the tape of the beheading of Nick Berg. Wow. Those guys don't fuck around...um.
Fortunately my sound card is broken on my laptop so I didn't have to hear him scream. People I know wanted to know why it was I wanted to see this tape. And I had to think about that. I had to think long and hard; I knew I wanted to see it, but I couldn't figure out why. Watching it, I think I came to the revelation that I think as Americans, as citizens of a country that is doing such injustice on another's soil, we have a responsibility to see the truth, to find what it is our "censors" won't show us.
We are all responsible for this. And for everything else our country does as CITIZENS of this country. That's why I had to watch it.
I suggest you do too.
www.consumptionjunction.com
-Porter
11.5.04
AH! I totally forgot to cite those cool sites that helped me write this week's HILARIOUS NEWSLETTER....www.newshax.com
www.theonion.com
www.thewhitehouse.org
Visit these sites, they ROCK!
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