20.12.03
So that was my Friday night. Instead of hanging out with you all, I had the stomach flu (which I am still recovering from today.) If you've never had the stomach flu, imagine a group of twelve ninjas kicking your ass for six hours as hard as they can. Or, imagine Sharon Stone slamming a white-hot ice pick into your stomach while you throw up everything you possibly can. Yeah, it's sorta like that.
At any rate, I'm sorry I had to miss out on the fun, and I'm even more sorry I didn't get to spank Matty the Mutaytor for his birthday. But check back frequently to this section of my site, because rumours like "Hey, I heard there's a party tonight at Paynie's loft" are bound to come up in my ramblings, and if you don't keep tabs on me, you'll miss out on all of the fun. And yes, I did hear that there's a party tonight at Paynie's.
Thanks for understanding. You guys rock.
Porter Tinsley
15.12.03
Psst....Remember how we ROCKED 1351 last fall? We're in discussion to do it again, which means stay tuned for Take the Grapes Part Deaux.
Take the Grapes is a weekend jaunt 400 miles north to the Napa Valley (Porter's home!) to wine taste, relax and generally ***K up the 1351 Nightclub in St. Helena. We blew the ROOF off this place last time we were there (on a Thursday, no less) and when we nail down the next date, you are invited. Stay tuned. If you have questions or would like to "fer sure!" be a part of this next trip, please email Brains@portertinsley.com OR sign up for Porter's email list at Porter@portertinsley.com
Before we begin this week's festivities - let me just please say thank you for all of the love you guys showed me on Saturday Night for the Pajama Jammy Jam. You're all special in your own way and DJing that party was so much fun, you little freaks!
Second - extra special shout out to Extramore and Roo - you fucking ROCK and were the favorite parts of my night, even after KJ and Rev Kate took their shirts off to The Mutaytor rocking out, you were still my favorite (not to say anything bad about Rev Kate's and KJ's breasts...but Extramore and Roo made my night by being the lovely people that they are...)
THIRDLY - okay. We have to talk. This is a heart to heart sort of intervention here. Hollywood: and those of you on this list that this does not apply to can relate to the problem and help out in your own way, because we've all been affected by it, and it has to STOP before it spreads to unsuspecting other cities like SF and SD and even Nevada isn't safe. So I say ONCE AGAIN - HOLLYWOOD, can you hear me? Do I have your undivided attention? Am I in the light? Is this thing on?
Hollywood: stop showing me your ass crack.
I'm serious here. Women today, if they're NOT wearing their little scarves that serve zero purpose in the "L.A. cold (i.e. - 68 degrees and cloudy) winter" then they are wearing their UGG boots with ubershort jean skirts, and even this I can let slide. But for real, Hollywood, I don't know what fucking pop-star-reality-teen-celebrity is responsible for the ass crack (probably the same fucking guy that is responsible for those STUPID FOAM TRUCKER HATS) but it has to end here and everyone on this list can testify. Hollywood: put your ASS back in your pants.
It's like the new fashion statement. Everywhere I look there's some girl in ubertight diesel jeans (see my previous article on how stupid 299 dollar faded jeans are) sitting at a coffee shop, sipping a non-fat-chai-no-foam-decaf-latte, talking on the phone, leash to a poodle/chihuahua in the other hand, showing the world her ASS CRACK.
What? I didn't want to see the handyman's ASS CRACK when he bent over to fix my sink this morning, I didn't want to see it on the mailman earlier today and I DON'T want to see yours, either Ms. Thing! Put it AWAY!
So, please, do yourselves a favor and PLEASE, the next time you see Hollywood out and about town, slap the bitch upside her head and tell her to tell her women to put their ASSES AWAY!! Maybe I should invent like a spray (called ASS AWAY) like a squirt gun with ice cold water to spray onto women's backsides if they're showing their ass crack. Seriously, it's an epidemic and if we're not careful, we're going to spread this horrible trend to other cities and infect more people. You all know what I'm talking about -you've seen it. It's in the malls, it's in the stores, for all I know, it's on the damn mannequins, and we as a society have to see this to it's end! Help me help the ass cracks. Tell them to cover it up.
Thank you. And from me to you all, before the holidays get rowdy and the festivities begin: have a safe holiday season, and thanks for yet another year of blissful beats and rhymes. You make the parties, we just provide the spaces for the parties to happen. So, thanks again you wonderful community of partiers, you! 2004 will be bigger and better so we only have the best of our past to be the the worst of our future, and for most of us, that's a wonderful, wonderful thought.
Second - extra special shout out to Extramore and Roo - you fucking ROCK and were the favorite parts of my night, even after KJ and Rev Kate took their shirts off to The Mutaytor rocking out, you were still my favorite (not to say anything bad about Rev Kate's and KJ's breasts...but Extramore and Roo made my night by being the lovely people that they are...)
THIRDLY - okay. We have to talk. This is a heart to heart sort of intervention here. Hollywood: and those of you on this list that this does not apply to can relate to the problem and help out in your own way, because we've all been affected by it, and it has to STOP before it spreads to unsuspecting other cities like SF and SD and even Nevada isn't safe. So I say ONCE AGAIN - HOLLYWOOD, can you hear me? Do I have your undivided attention? Am I in the light? Is this thing on?
Hollywood: stop showing me your ass crack.
I'm serious here. Women today, if they're NOT wearing their little scarves that serve zero purpose in the "L.A. cold (i.e. - 68 degrees and cloudy) winter" then they are wearing their UGG boots with ubershort jean skirts, and even this I can let slide. But for real, Hollywood, I don't know what fucking pop-star-reality-teen-celebrity is responsible for the ass crack (probably the same fucking guy that is responsible for those STUPID FOAM TRUCKER HATS) but it has to end here and everyone on this list can testify. Hollywood: put your ASS back in your pants.
It's like the new fashion statement. Everywhere I look there's some girl in ubertight diesel jeans (see my previous article on how stupid 299 dollar faded jeans are) sitting at a coffee shop, sipping a non-fat-chai-no-foam-decaf-latte, talking on the phone, leash to a poodle/chihuahua in the other hand, showing the world her ASS CRACK.
What? I didn't want to see the handyman's ASS CRACK when he bent over to fix my sink this morning, I didn't want to see it on the mailman earlier today and I DON'T want to see yours, either Ms. Thing! Put it AWAY!
So, please, do yourselves a favor and PLEASE, the next time you see Hollywood out and about town, slap the bitch upside her head and tell her to tell her women to put their ASSES AWAY!! Maybe I should invent like a spray (called ASS AWAY) like a squirt gun with ice cold water to spray onto women's backsides if they're showing their ass crack. Seriously, it's an epidemic and if we're not careful, we're going to spread this horrible trend to other cities and infect more people. You all know what I'm talking about -you've seen it. It's in the malls, it's in the stores, for all I know, it's on the damn mannequins, and we as a society have to see this to it's end! Help me help the ass cracks. Tell them to cover it up.
Thank you. And from me to you all, before the holidays get rowdy and the festivities begin: have a safe holiday season, and thanks for yet another year of blissful beats and rhymes. You make the parties, we just provide the spaces for the parties to happen. So, thanks again you wonderful community of partiers, you! 2004 will be bigger and better so we only have the best of our past to be the the worst of our future, and for most of us, that's a wonderful, wonderful thought.
Earlier Rumors
